Welcome to another Wednesday Wisdom. Every week, I share with you what I’m thinking about life, work, and leadership. This week we’re talking about the difference between ideas and identities.
It’s hard to take feedback when we take it personally. It’s hard to change our opinion when our identity is attached to it. It’s hard to change who we vote for, what job we do, or how we parent our kids if we’ve used that to define ourselves.
But it’s really easy to change our ideas about things, if we:
a) Don’t have our identity attached to them, or
b) Have a fluid sense of identity.
How comfortable would you be saying things like…
“I used to vote Labour. I’ve changed my mind about that, based on their housing policy. Now I vote Act.”
(Who I vote for isn’t about who I am, but about policy.)
“I used to smack my kids, but that’s no how I parent now.”
(My approach to parenting changes when new ideas come to light, it’s not about who I am as a person.)
“I’m not a lawyer anymore. I paint, instead.”
(My career doesn’t reflect my worth, it’s how I spend my working hours. I do what I enjoy.)
Could you imagine saying some of these – or are you already squirming, thinking about perception, judgement or opinion?
If you’re squirming a bit, chances are, you’ve got your identity linked to one of those examples, and you might find that disagreements in these areas hit you in the feels. Makes sense.
One of the biggest sticking points in disagreements at work, in politics or in general is when we get our ideas and identities mixed up. It’s easy to do, but not intractable.
In Meetings that Matter, we talk about how to find the ‘sweet spot’ – a place where people are engaged, and coming from a place of values, principles and connection, but not so invested that they don’t feel able to safely change their minds.
Check out the video below for a sneak peek of the MTM curriculum, talking about this very topic. If you’re keen to learn how to orchestrate productive conflict, join us for a day’s training on 2 December! We’d love to have you.
Til next week,
– A